Million Dollar Idea

Okay, so this is what I've noticed about the Cineplex VIP Theatres.

Ain't nobody going.

It seems to me that Cineplex is trying every trick in the book to get people to come. Now they have a Wednesday date night thing, where two people can see a movie and have dinner for like $50. They also changed the menu a bit and made it slightly fancier (shrimp cocktail is a thing. Seriously). Nothing is working - this place is motherfucking EMPTY every time we show up.

I really had no idea why, until I realized that they're going after the wrong audience. It looks like they want young professional couples. THIS IS MADNESS! Young professional couples are at fucking wine tastings and tapas bars and shit. THEY AIN'T SHELLING OUT FOR BOOZE AND ARMCHAIRS WITH MOTHERFUCKING 3D MOVIES. Nah, Cineplex VIP. You need to go after the NERDS.

Let me explain. Who are the people who will pay anything for their entertainment? Who are the people who need to see their fandom first, who line up for midnight showings, who have exactly the time and energy to devote to choosing their favourite snack in their favourite spot during the big-screen version of their favourite book in their favourite series so they can feel like MOTHERFUCKING SNAPE'S HAIR GREASE IS DRIPPING ALL OVER THEM?

Fucking nerds, that's who. Bitches like me, who have thought long and hard about the ways that the entire movie going experience could be improved. Recliners? Check. No crying kids allowed? Check. Deep fried food? Check. Assigned seating so clever bitches can get their favourite spot without having to wait in a goddamn line and then run inside when they open their doors and hurl themselves into their seats like a goddamn hot dog juice-covered savage? CHECK, MOTHERFUCKER.

Think about it! You know I'm right. Only fucking geeks will shell out that kind of money for those ridiculous extras that Cineplex is touting. The problem is that nerds aren't watching TV right now, they're watching Netflix or Hulu or some shit, so they haven't seen those fucking commercials. THEY DON'T KNOW THIS MAGICAL UNICORN LAND OF PERFECT THEATRE WHIMSY EXISTS. So I have an idea.

They need to start hosting monthly marathons. Pick a different fandom each month and GO APESHIT. Have people pay one price, and then show all the Lord of the Rings movies back to back. EXTENDED EDITIONS, MOTHERFUCKER. Star Trek! Star Wars! Joss Whedon weekend (in my mind, this one starts with Titan A.E, goes right into Dr Horrible, Cabin in the Woods around midnight, and then Serenity right before the kick off to all the Avengers movies on Day 2).

AND THERE'S MORE! Cross-promote with Nerd Block and Horror Block (nerd-friendly subscription box services). Or ThinkGeek.com! Maybe you get a box on your chair or something when you go in, like a themed goodie bag or whatever. But whatever it is, you HOOK THE GEEKS. Geeks will pay anything for a better entertainment experience - it's why so many of us have state-of-the-art TV and sound systems and wear the same pizza sauce-covered hoodie every day. BECAUSE WE SPEND ALL OUR MONEY ON THIS BULLSHIT.

So get on it, Cineplex. TAKE OUR MONEY. NOW.