I said GODDAMN. Goddamn.

The mall I work in doesn't have free wifi. This is often a problem.

Typically, I can't use my shop's computers during operating hours - people need to buy shit. There isn't a way for a bitch to just jump onto a computer and use it. My shop actually has wifi, which I'm sure would be helpful if I could just pop into our back room and sit down and work for a few hours, but we don't have a back room. Most of the time, if there's something particular that I need to do online during business hours, I have to go hunting in the mall for free wifi so I can get online with my tablet and get my shit done.

Here are my options:

1. Timothy's coffee shop: comfortable seating, quiet environment. The only problem is that there's a two-hour internet limit and there aren't available outlets to charge anything.

2. Starbucks: No internet limit, but it's in the shittiest corner of the mall, rife with hobos and always full of students taking up all the outlets and seating for their phones.

3. The food court in the atrium (the tiny mall attached to my mall): smack in between the Greyhound bus station and the liquor store, this is really a slice of downtown Toronto. Everyone smells like piss, everyone has some sort of mental health issue, people are constantly interrupting you to ask for change and there aren't any outlets. However, the wifi, which comes from the Teriyaki joint, is decent.

4. St Louis Bar and Grill: Ample seating, sometimes you can get next to an outlet, pretty quiet during the day. Alas, this is a restaurant and while I can fuck up a plate of wings, no problem, I can't sit there for eight hours or they get kind of testy.

So there I was one evening, after having bounced around for a couple of hours at three different locations trying to get some work done, left with the McDonald's wifi because that was apparently the only place in my mall where I could get online, sit down and plug in my tablet at an outlet. I had to sit next to these two girls at this long table sort of thing, because when outlets are at a premium, you basically elbow your way in whenever you can. When I sat down, the two girls were in the midst of being hit on by some dude, because downtown Toronto lyfe.

Let me make this clear - these two ladies had their shields up hardcore. They were trying everything in the book to get this dude to go away, but subtlety never works with guys who try to pick up women at fucking McDonald's. I, of course, listened to every single word because I pay a lot of attention to my sisters and the men who bother them. Just in case reinforcement is necessary. And also, because repelling lecherous men is my main thrill in life.

Dude: So are y'all from Scarborough?

Girl no. 1: Nope. We're having a sisters day. Just spending some time together. By ourselves.

Dude:  Cool, cool. I don't want to bother you - 

Girl no. 1: I appreciate that, thanks.

Dude: I'm just gonna give you my number.

Girl no. 1: That's okay.

Dude: Yeah, you can just text me. Just text me.

Girl no. 1: Sigh.

So the guy gives her his number, and out of the corner of my eye, I watch the girl pretend to tap around on her home screen like she's putting it in there. He scuttles off, pretty pleased with himself BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK WITH THESE GUYS JESUS and the girls go back to their own conversation.

About three seconds later, these other two guys sit down across from them. They start hassling the girls immediately because two women can't possibly sit down in public and enjoy each other's company or eat some fucking fries on their own. After maybe three more seconds of witty banter, one of the guys is all, "Can I have yo number?" and Girl no. 1 GOES OFF:

Girl no. 1: YOU THINK YOU JUST GONNA SIT DOWN AND GET MY NUMBER JUST LIKE THAT? YOU THINK THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SIT DOWN??

I stopped listening after that. These ladies had everything under control. 

Feeling 2005

This is from an old LiveJournal post (LIVEJOURNAL YOU GUYS YOU REMEMBER THAT SHIT?) I made ten years ago today.

"After the show, people were milling about in the lobby, and I handed my sister my shopping bags and said I had to pee. I went upstairs (the Canon theatre has like, this landing and two staircases leading upward from it, in opposite directions. I went up one of them to get to the upstairs bathroom), and at this point, the show had been over for about fifteen minutes, so there was practically no one in there.

So I'm just washing my hands when I hear some guy blowing into a microphone, and realize that there are speakers in the washroom. I still had to use the dryer and fix my face, so I was in there for about another five minutes, listening to the speaker, which was blaring something about, "Thanks so much for coming! Blah blah blah presentation, blah blah blah Israel bank bonds. Blah blah blah richoldpeoplecakes."

I left the washroom and came out onto the upstairs landing. When I looked down, at the lower landing that I would have had to cross to get back downstairs, I saw that they were making this presentation in front of about a hundred rich old Jewish people, and the guy on the microphone with a pointer and a pie chart was like, all set up on there. Right where I had to walk past. Totally doing his thing, with everyone staring at him. It's hard to describe, but it was like a play going on, and me having to walk out from stage left and into the audience.

You get me now?

So I stood there for like, a second, wondering what my chances were of running past him so fast that no one would see me ("George? Did you just see a brown streak?"), and just as I decided that they were slim to none, one of the ushers from the show walked up to me to ask if I needed help. I was like - "Um. Is that the only way for me to get downstairs?" Of course it was, so the usher had to escort me down the stairs. Past the guy. Into the crowd of rich old Jewish people. By the way, I was wearing jeans with a hot-chocolate stain on one knee, a brown and orange hoodie, and carrying a green messenger bag covered in pins. Need I repeat? Rich old Jewish people in fur!

The show, however, was so great! All of you need to see it. Libby from Sabrina the Teenage Witch was Nessa Rose, but I suspect that I'm only one who's excited about that."

All I have to say is that in ten years, my life hasn't changed much. Also, reading your own old diary entries is MOTHERFUCKING DEPRESSING. Why do I even have any friends? Let's not go down that spiral.

Other Random Facts About My Past:

* When I worked for Sunrise, we had the same courier guy come in to pick up our weekly packages, and once, we told him he looked like Elvis. After that, whenever he was leaving, he always said, "Thankyouverramuch" and it made me laugh EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME.

* I was really, annoyingly obsessed with movies and television in 2005. I paid good money to see the remake of The Longest Yard, with Adam Sandler! Again, HOW THE FUCK DID I EVEN HAVE ANY FRIENDS?

* I chronicled my OK Cupid dates and BOY HOWDY are they fucking horrible.